El Caminos and Attraction

My life has never been much of a love letter. I would like it to be, but for whatever reason this is among the unfulfilled desires in my life. I sometimes think about how awesome it would be if I were one of the sporty guys, who was built either more muscular or slimmer than myself. I would have a great tan because I’d have no problem taking my shirt off to jog, or play soccer or something. Girls would of course dig me because I was cut and a stud on the field. I’d probably also have a car that works, instead of my busted ’71 Volkswagen, and be a lot less awkward. I might know how to swing dance and be able to name popular musicians outside of country music or Ke$ha (I’m still confused as to how she got famous), and maybe I would not have such a hard time making eye contact or paying attention. I could probably even handle being touched by people. And the list of wonderful attributes fantasy-athlete Jed possesses goes on.

A big problem with fantasy Jed is that I keep comparing him to the real one, and I try to introduce us, but we refuse to get along. It seems that the real and ideal are not made to mesh when the idealistic version of our self is made from our own imaginations. That’s probably because we are not perfect, and so it stands to reason that what we create cannot be perfect. All the same, a lot of my time is spent wishing I were more like fantasy Jed. Even when I’m doing cool things like MMA or weight training, I’m forced to think of how much better I could be doing if I’d erased just one item from the “if I would have” list that makes up my past. Of course that extends beyond just physical things.

When I am most unlike the dream version of me is when I’m trying to relate to people. You see normal people don’t need to remind themselves constantly that it’s appropriate to look at someone while talking, instead of glancing around the room, and that eye contact is better than staring at where the chin and the neck meet. I do. And there are a lot of other nuisances about myself that rub me the wrong way. I can only assume that people I talk to find my behavior somewhat odd, and possibly outright awkward.

And all of these foibles seem to be magnified times a lot whenever romance is thrown into the mix. Girls seem to like guys who resemble fantasy me, and not many dream of comic book collecting novice theologians who work at Walgreens, and it would be really weird if they did. My identity isn’t reduced to those two things, but when I think about what the ladies are looking for, I don’t seem to come up with a lot of checks in the “he has this cool feature” box. And from what I know about it, which isn’t very much, dating is like care shopping. There are sports cars, which are the fantasy Jed’s. Then there are SUV’s, which are less appealing but can handle hard and rugged terrain, then the minivans, trucks, used cars, and the ever so strange El Camino. Now, all of the cars are meant for a specific kind of customer and can pair up great with what that person needs, except the El Camino.

The El Camino is this weird half car half truck enigma that is too small to be much good as a truck, and too truckish to be excellent cars. Now, it’s important for me to mention that I don’t know much about cars, especially when it comes to the engine. For all I know the clunker could be the best sudan and truck ever built, combined into one. My evaluation is based completely on what I’ve seen of the car and not on what it can do (In case your dense, I’m using what’s called a metaphor here). I have always been slightly fond of the El Camino just because the car is so ugly and odd.

When it comes down to it, I’m not a great athlete or romantic, but I am me. I am crafted for a purpose that is a heck of a lot more of a something than a El Camino can do. And who I am is not determined, based upon, or even very much connected to my appeal to the softer sex. It is who I am before God (the master mechanic, if you will). And my guess is that his evaluation of me, and I suppose you is well, is much more favorable and based on a better insight than my own estimation. I take comfort in that.